destiny is a fickle bitch.

I say I don't like children, or any type of younger folk. But really, I love children so much. They see the world differently, they feel differently, think differently. They haven't experienced many things, yet they are still incredibly satisfied and excited with what their minds have contained. Clouds, an adult hiding behind his hands, or even their own personal mannerisms; it doesn't matter, it's still interesting. Anyone who is alive and still young by certain standards, I hold them in high regard. Let's say in their twenties even; they're still children to me.

I used to favor misanthropy when I was a defiant little preteen, however now I favor a more humanist approach. When I whine and complain about human follies, I am only expressing my concerns. However, acquaintances and close friends often become confused about how to define me and start to form false conclusions about my psyche. I don't know why I have lied to basically everyone I have met about my judgments and opinions on the human race; I suppose I don't like feeling all too human myself, if that makes sense. Makes me feel messy, and I don't like messy things too much (but that is a different topic).

And I think that's why the deaths of people who die young, whether well-known or obscure, are the most tragic to me. I am incredibly affected. Suicides and drug-induced deaths make me even more distraught. And I ponder, what if a terribly depressed, lonely person saw something that satisfied or held his or her curiosity, that made this person genuinely happy, just like when they were a toddler or a young kid. If they experienced this type of experience right before they closed their eyes, would it make any difference at all?

"...observer, values solitude, perfectionist, detached, private... does not talk about feelings, hard to impress, analytical, likes esoteric things..."

"To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how."

"...approach reality as they would a giant chess board, always seeking strategies that have a high payoff, and always devising contingency plans in case of error or adversity."

INTJs are introspective, analytical, determined persons with natural leadership ability. Being reserved, they prefer to stay in the background while leading. Strategic, knowledgeable and adaptable, INTJs are talented in bringing ideas from conception to reality. They expect perfection from themselves as well as others and are comfortable with the leadership of another so long as they are competent. INTJs can also be described as decisive, open-minded, self-confident, attentive, theoretical and pragmatic.

My career choices are basically evil scientist, machiavellian dictator, bookish professor or the Godfather, haha. And holy crap, I'm 100% intuitive now; I wonder what explains that?

I'm sorry, but since this music video, I have never found a video in this decade that has visually entertained my brain. The last video that caused my brain to rejoice was Nine Inch Nail's Closer, released in 1994. I miss this type of imagery, thought and pure creativity showcased in a simple music video. I miss the time when videos aired and it was considered an event. I can't see her in concert (dead week starts the day after) but trust me, I'm going to be a fan for a very, very long time. Keep it coming, Gaga!

Kafka on the Shore was a mindfuck, to put it in the least classiest way...enjoyable read, a bit trudging in certain parts, but I liked the metaphysical and surreal aspects. Now on to Lolita! Hooray for unreliable narrators. ♥

What is this concept of free time? Honestly, what is it? I seem to be only preoccupied with two things: distractions and responsibilities. I decided recently that if I am to have these two forces coexist in my life, I would at least have a healthy distraction, instead of internet and facebook. So I deleted my facebook, and checked out several books from the library. I borrowed Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami (which is absolutely delightful, and I picked it randomly from a selection of his books; I was pleasantly surprised when I realized it dealt with an Oedipal prophecy and the subconscious); Wise Blood by Flannery O'Connor (she is one of my favorite authors); and Lolita by Nabokov, since I never got around to reading it.

At least I'm being productive, right? And I'm making good use of the library that is only two minutes from my home.

NBC canceled Southland due to Jay Leno and the grittiness of the upcoming season not blending in well with its time slot. Screw you, NBC! You deserve the low ratings! D:

SATs tomorrow. Pretty relaxed after the hectic week I had. :) Tea and a good read does wonders for the soul and mind.

Nihilism is incredibly appealing to me right now. There have been several nights where I proposed to myself in insomnia-ridden bouts that I just don't give a fuck anymore. The pressure of several tough classes, my newspaper editor position, and my so called "social life" are all teetering upon a balance that's about to collapse on its own weight. And dammit, I should have taken World Religions instead of AP Calculus. Who was I kidding?! I blow so hard at math; yet I can easily recite prominent religious figures and events throughout history.

I've been writing and drawing to keep myself just a little bit sane. My AP Literature teacher said I was a very talented writer when we turned in a random assignment that required us to capture a specific tone; however I'm in a class where I analyze and write essays, never once traveling into my headworld for inspiration. And I am so godly at analyzing poems, it's a shame I hate explaining things in essay format.

Oh well. I'm almost done with most of my college applications. If I get into NYU, fuck it, I'm leaving. I'm going to take out a loan and live my dreams. I'd rather stay at a place I extremely adore in debt then be miserable and loan-free. I hate being constrained; and here, sadly, I feel trapped in a cage, controlled by familial constraints and the booming, stress-inducing voice of my mother.

egads.

ps. Denise I am so sorry I haven't had the time to send out your package! Whenever I send it, I'll tell you, okay? I feel so stupid and worthless :( forgive me!

It's so easy for me to forgot someone I've loved and held dear! And to me, this is a blessing. That tingle of pain is just minor.

Our dreams are frequently full of strangers who play out certain parts – did you know that your mind is not inventing those faces – they are real faces of real people that you have seen during your life but may not know or remember? The evil killer in your latest dream may be the guy who pumped petrol in to your Dad’s car when you were just a little kid. We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces through our lives, so we have an endless supply of characters for our brain to utilize during our dreams.

When we fall in love, the brain releases a chemical called phenylethylamine (PEA) which causes our palms to sweat, our hearts to race, and "butterflies" in our stomachs. It's possible to trigger someone else's brain to release PEA by looking at them a lot during a conversation, which in turn makes that person more likely to fall in love with you. (this explains a lot, especially in my predicament...)



and Steed, this is for you:

According to Dr. Reid, you don't have to have a PhD to be a doctor..or even go to a university. You just have to be fluent in Shakespearean phonics and have went to Dr. Reid's alma mater: Harvard Community College aka HCC (Hillsborough Community College).

If I don't get Reid for AP English Literature, I will...do unspeakable things.


( and here's a doodle of michael jackson )

Since sharlese asked, I decided to upload a profile on my character formerly known as Fluffy. I also have some mp3's to share. <3

( M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-E! edit: now with shitty old art! )

Denise dear I got your package! AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW I NEEDED SOME LAO TZU IN MY LIFE?! My world history teacher adored Tzu and read his wisdom everyday. He is seriously the most relaxed man I have ever met, and intelligent too. He always told me to read some of his stuff but I never got the time. Thank you so much and I pretty much melted when I read your letter/message! D'AAAW SHMEX MIX I LOVE YOU ;__;

I need to send you something too to compensate for your kindness. You're an amazing human being. ♡